Gotta Start Listening to More Backstreet Boys

Yes.....I discovered tonight that I really need to start listening to more Backstreet Boys or Nickleback or Eminem or Kid Rock or really anyone singing music who has a penis. Apparently, I've been playing female-made music a wee bit too much in front of my child. I love all kinds of music. I take pride in the fact that I am passing my deep appreciate of a wide variety of music on to him. I do not take pride in the fact that tonight, at a hockey game and in front of anyone within earshot, he was singing the lyrics to "Don't cha" and "My Humps" ........ PERFECTLY.

For those of you who do not know these songs, let me provide you with a small smidgen of what my almost 6 year old BOY was singing in his voice, which is extremely similar to that of an adult woman.

In "Don't cha", the Pussycat Dolls are singing to some hottie about how
"Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me...
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?"

Enough said on this one.

In the next little ditty, "My Humps," Fergie is singing about her 'lady humps' = 'tits and ass' for those of you who don't speak hip-hop.
"My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My lovely lady lumps.....check it out."

As much as I love that my spawn is a music lover and a good singer, I wouldn't exactly call tonight a shining, "Damn, listen to my kid" kind of a moment....now where did I put that Eminem cd?

Things I've Learned From My Friends ~ Part 1

You know, I have some pretty damn smart friends. Or kinda average intelligent friends who often pass along important information....you pick. I decided to start keeping track of all the smart things my friends tell me. I feel the need to write them down so as not to forget them, as my memory can really suck sometimes. So here goes......I think I'll just start with 10 and maybe do editions of this if I can remember enough to write down......

1. Drink vodka if you don't want to have a hangover. (Caitlin & Shak) This was told to me by both of them after they had jointly consumed enough alcohol to drown a pet store full of rats. I realize that in a previous entry I talked about Caitlin having hangovers occasionally, but you have to remember that's after drinking vodka, rum, Jaeger, wine, beer, more vodka......you get the idea. Drink as much vodka as you want, people ~ and feel safe doing it.

2. In order to get up on time in the morning, it is important to both set and turn on your alarm. (Brandy) She informed me of this yesterday morning, after waking on her own (good) but realizing she only had 3 minutes to get ready (bad) and 2 minutes to make the 15 minute drive to work (very bad). I thank her for that little gem of advice.....no reason for me to learn that one the hard way.

3. When in doubt.....mumble. (Dad) Just stay tuned for more installments of "Pearls From Daddy"

4. Even big, scary, drug-sniffing police dogs like chap stick. (Brandy) Much to her husband's chagrin, my dear friend has taken it upon herself to make sure that the dog's lips stay well moisturized, smooth and kissable. I think he is getting addicted, though. He apparently has figured out how important it is to stay smoochable at all times. She can't put on her own chapstick without him wanting some, too. I think he might be gay, but don't tell her husband.

5. If you are going to drive drunk in this town, make sure your license plate lights are illuminated. (Andy) As one of this town's lovable State Troopers (stop laughing, he is too lovable, even if he is a pig), he told me that he usually finds that people who have no idea that their license plate lights are not illuminated are the ones who have a tendency to drive while slightly intoxicated. Is there some random person lurking in bar parking lots, methodically smashing everyone's lights just for the hell of it? Are auto manufacturers and the cops in some conspiracy theory together, installing some sort of sensor that causes your lights to fail if you attempt to drive your vehicle while juiced? Who knows.....all I know is that if the bad boys are not lighting up that plate, you might as well just have someone drop you off at the jail, cause you're gonna get pulled over. Don't believe me? I got pulled over for not having my plate illuminated; thankfully I was DD that night, too. (Yes, Lindsey, I stay sober from time to time) And for more proof, here's Andy's birthday cake from last year......

6. Don't leave your crayons in the sun. (Jim) This little gem was left as a 'tip' for a really bad waitress. It is good advice, though....she should be thankful for it. I'll never do it again.

7. If you are out at a bar with friends and one of them wants to know what it means when they can't feel their top lip anymore (Angie) it means that it's time for them to stop drinking.

8. If the person who can't feel their lips anymore is supposed to be your designated driver, you are screwed. Call a cab or find someone less drunk than the person who was supposed to stay sober (Angie) drive you home.

9. If you have a child with a gag reflex that is as sensitive as motion sensors from Mission: Impossible and who doesn't like things that smell bad, do not, I repeat, DO NOT fart in a car during winter with all the windows rolled up. My brother learned this one the hard way after letting one rip on the way back from breakfast with my child. My son, after smelling the stench matched only by that of a rotting corpse, proceeded to puke all over the back of the car, including the whole back of the driver's seat. I just laughed. After all, it wasn't my fault and I didn't have to clean it up.

10. Remember when you child is ill, DO NOT GIVE THEM A RED POPSICLE! This can cause a small amount of concern when the child gets sick and starts screaming "Blood, mom! Blood!" Your heart falls to the floor and then you run like a mad-woman to the place of trauma, thinking the worst of the worst the entire 5 seconds it takes to get there. As soon as you arrive on the scene, you start hyperventilating, thinking your child is losing her innards...then you look...then you start shaking because the drama is over and you realize that you as a parent are a moron, because you handed her the red popsicle, knowing in the deepest part of your mind that something along this sort could happen. (Lo)

Ok, I hope everyone has read these and learned something. Whether or not you'll ever use this advice (I'm leaning toward not) is up to you. Now go and check your lights.

Saying Goodbye.....Again

My friend Caitlin left Fairbanks bright and early on Saturday morning. I say bright and early, but for a normal person who didn't stay up partying until daylight, it was 11:30 and damn near lunch time ~ but the term 'normal' does not apply to us. She was originally supposed to leave in September and we had a much bigger going away fanfare for her then. She decided the next day to stay in town and keep working until closer to Thanksgiving, then go home to spend time with her folks. Guess we shouldn't have shown her such a good time.

The first time she got the going away party, there were many more people and a LOT more alcohol involved. For example, let me paint you a little picture about our time getting ready to go out. I volunteered to be the DD that night and went over to the girl's apartment to get ready. I began to set up the curling iron, etc. and Caitlin decides that she is going to go and make "warm up" drinks. I say warm up because these are the drinks that we are going to have to prepare us for going to the bar. I'm putting on my makeup, thinking that she is going to bring me a soda or water or something because, remember, I'm driving. So picture me, curling my hair and having her bring a Rum & Coke (mostly rum with a little Coke) in a BIG GULP size cup.

Did I mention that I am supposed to be the Designated Driver?

Anyway, we finish getting ready and I've taken maybe 4 or 5 sips of this drink. I pass it off on someone else and tell them to finish it. I think it was gone before we left the house 5 minutes later. Anyway, we had a blast that night. It was one of those nights where everyone (but me - driver) was drunk. People were staggering around, giving each other hugs, telling each other "Dude - I love you!!!" or having a moment of recognition when every song came on which was followed by a chorus of "Oh My God!!! I LOVE this song!!!" There were many, many pictures taken from that night, some of which I'm going to keep safely tucked away in case I ever want to bribe someone or need extra money. We gave Caitlin such a good going away party that she decided to stay and party with us for a whole additional 2 and a half months.

I love Caitlin. She's one of those people that I'm so happy to see when I'm out. It's not like it's a surprise when we see each other, because I'm out once a week and she's out.....um...always. Yes, we are those stupid girls who upon seeing each other, squeal with delight at such a volume that causes those around us to stop what they are doing to see what the hell is going on. Of course, that is usually followed by the usual drunk "Oh My God - You're HERE!!!!!" We have a blast hanging out together. What's even more fun is dinner at my mother's on Sunday night. She comes every week and I get to see how much fun she had the night before based upon how she's acting at dinner. If she is looking totally hung over and asks for water instead of wine, I know it was one hell of a night. Actually, sometimes I find out before dinner time if she has had a good night. She is guilty of DWI (Dialing While Intoxicated)....a lot. It gives me great pleasure and many laughs to wake up in the morning to find that I have a voicemail from her when she was out without me.

I'm sure that if she had come to dinner the night after our last night out together instead of putting her (still drunk, I'm sure) ass on the plane that morning, it would have been an evening of water with dinner.

Here are a few pictures from the last night:

Caitlin and Shak

Me and Caitlin

Carlin, Caitlin and Crystal

I'll miss you, girl! You'd better get your butt back here in time for our birthdays!!

Halloween is over but the pictures are still fun!!

Ahhh, Halloween. A time to dress up and pretend that you are someone that you're not. What fun!!! Here are a few pictures of all of us. I think I may have been the only sober one in the group. As disgruntled as I was to have to dress up, I actually had quite a good time once I did. The last picture is of me at work. As you can imagine, I probably would have been sent home to change if I showed up in what I had been wearing out on Saturday, so I played it safe and went as a cowgirl. I really was just concerned with wearing the wig again....it was so much fun to be a blonde!!!

Me and four of my fellow go-go girls (two are in the background).

Me and the Miss Canada contestants

Me and Fawn with Joe Dirt

My friend Andy as his um...friends?

Me and Napoleon Dynamite...he was the best EVER!!!

Here I am being molested by two unknown clowns. I really don't know who they are, but now I realize why I'm scared of clowns.

Jamie, Don Jon and Caitlin. J & C were Miss Canada contestants, Don came as an 80's guy.....his pants were very scary.....I wonder how long he'd been hanging on to those, waiting to wear them for some special occasion....

Me and Brenda at work....and me in the work-safe cowgirl outfit.

Well, Halloween is over once again. Remind me next year how much fun I had dressing up and how much fun it is to go through your child's candy to get the good stuff!!

Pearls from Daddy (Part 1)

Now, I like jewelry as much as the next girl, but in this entry I am talking about pearls of wisdom, not the pretty spherical thingys that come out of oysters and make nice ear ornaments. My father (who is an extremely intelligent man) tends to like to give me advice just like everyone else's parents give to them. My dad's advice that is handed to me from time to time can be a little on the.......shall I say questionable side?
Anyway, let me introduce you to my dad.......

Pretty good looking guy, huh? Anyway, my dad just retired from being a pilot. He got to travel all over the world to places that I can only hope to go to someday and places that I quite frankly didn't even know existed. Here's where his advice on how I should live my grown-up life comes into play.

So, one night, while I was visiting him at his house in Anchorage, we get back from dinner at Gallo's, where I'm sure he had a few beers and/or margaritas and I'm also sure he probably hit on a few women (gotta give Pop his props....he can pick up very cute girls not much older than me.....). So we are sitting at his place and he tells me that once I graduate from college that this is what I should do with my life.......are you ready for this? Really? What do you suppose he is going to say? What would most dads say - maybe find a nice guy, settle down, get a nice house and have some babies? Or maybe jump right into the grueling work world so I can start pushing my way to the top? Those morsels of advice sound like something a dad would say, right?

Not my dad. Nope. Here's what he said to me (and I quote). "Shea, when you graduate college, I want you to become a flight attendant, fly all around the world and sleep with as many people as you can."

WHAT?

I'm sorry.....what?

Come again?

Did he just say what I think he said?

Yep.....he did say those very words. I'm sure that I gave him a "Are you freaking kidding me?" kind of looks, but I don't think he noticed. I then asked if he'd heard of this bad little disease that was making quite an impact on the world......maybe you all have heard of it....it's called AIDS!!!!! I think he ignored that and continued on to repeat himself, as though I needed to hear it again.

I dismissed it that night, thinking maybe he had just had a little too much to drink and mistakenly thought he was talking to his co-pilot and not his 19 year old daughter, but NO....he has given me that exact same advice at least 2 or 3 more times. I think he was being serious.

Well, long story short, I did not follow this particularly shady advice. Now, 9 years later, I'm thinking that maybe it would have been a blast to do the whole flight attendant and travel thing. I'm just glad I didn't heed the do everyone thing!

Stay tuned for more of my dad's advice.......

Just How Retarded Do They Want Me To Look?

I guess I must start by saying that I work for the fabulous State of Alaska. I really, really like my job, the people (well, ok...most of them) are great, the hours are fabulous and there is always something new happening. Another bonus to the job: TRAVEL.

For this particular trip, I was going to Alaska's biggest city, Anchorage. There are MANY benefits to traveling to the great city....the biggest one being shopping. For those of you who have never been to Fairbanks (Alaska's second largest city), our clothes shopping options consist of Sears, Wal Mart, Fred Meyer (upscale Wal Mart - I know, oxi-moron) and Gottschalks. Not much to chose from. You can pretty much be guaranteed that if you purchase an article of clothing in this town that at least 50 of your closest friends will also have one. At times, you are tempted to call some of these people to check what they will be wearing the next day so you don't look like you were trying to match them.

Anyway, back to my story.....having a paid trip to Anchorage to shop.....oops, I mean work. It's fabulous that the state pays for things like your hotel, your food, your plane ticket down there. It is not fabulous that they pay for your rental car. Having the state pay for your rental car is a bad, bad thing. Especially if you are used to driving a decent vehicle, you know, one that comfortably seats at least 4 people or reaches 60 miles per hour without rattling or taking an eternity to reach such a speed. When the state pays for your rental car, you are getting the cheapest damn thing that the rental car company offers. These are the cars that sit on the far back part of the dealership lot, the ones that I'm sure the car salesmen think are more of a hassle to sell than a benefit. They probably make a whole 5 bucks on each deal when they sell one of these pieces of crap. A week in Hawaii probably cost more than the original MSRP of these hunks of metal.

This is where my story really begins. I was so excited to get down to A-Town, hang out with friends, go shopping and just be away from the house, kid and dogs. That was before I picked up the cheapest foreign vehicle ever made. When is the last time you were forced to drive a vehicle that did not have automatic door locks and windows? I didn't even realize that they were still manufacturing cars without such things! When is the last time you drove a vehicle that when you stepped on the gas pedal, it really and truly sounded as though you had one of those cars were you wind up the rubber band in the back and let it go? Seriously...I had to drive such a contraption. I think the Flinstone's had a better zero to 60 reaction time in their Bedrock Special. Anyway, being a twenty-something who is single and loves to have fun, having to drive this deathbox gave me the sense of humiliation similar to having to wear just my Victoria's Secrets to the bar (or so I imagine....I'm not that crazy, nor have I gotten that drunk....recently).

I was pre-warned about what kind of vehicle that I was going to have to drive. I've traveled on the state's dime before. I really, truly tried to get out of it. I did....but I was denied. I was told that my original reservation was for a compact car, but.....whoopsy!!! The mistake was discovered and I was given the correct car.....the sub-compact. Doesn't sub-compact just scream "TIN BOX YOU WILL MEET YOUR UNTIMELY DEATH IN?" I thought so, which is why I even requested to pay the additional 3 dollars a day for the upgrade. Three dollars. I can afford that, even on my salary. But no......it is really, really too much of a hassle for the state travel people to let me do that, so I was told. Probably involves about 120 sheets of paper documentation for that to happen. Damn them. So I was forced to drive around in this horrible, tiny, nothing automatic, damn-near-sitting-on-the-ground, pathetic piece of shit.

Well, next time any of you are in Anchorage and see me driving around in a car that probably cost less than my shoes, be a champ and offer me a lift, will ya?