Things I've Learned From My Friends ~ Part 1

You know, I have some pretty damn smart friends. Or kinda average intelligent friends who often pass along important information....you pick. I decided to start keeping track of all the smart things my friends tell me. I feel the need to write them down so as not to forget them, as my memory can really suck sometimes. So here goes......I think I'll just start with 10 and maybe do editions of this if I can remember enough to write down......

1. Drink vodka if you don't want to have a hangover. (Caitlin & Shak) This was told to me by both of them after they had jointly consumed enough alcohol to drown a pet store full of rats. I realize that in a previous entry I talked about Caitlin having hangovers occasionally, but you have to remember that's after drinking vodka, rum, Jaeger, wine, beer, more vodka......you get the idea. Drink as much vodka as you want, people ~ and feel safe doing it.

2. In order to get up on time in the morning, it is important to both set and turn on your alarm. (Brandy) She informed me of this yesterday morning, after waking on her own (good) but realizing she only had 3 minutes to get ready (bad) and 2 minutes to make the 15 minute drive to work (very bad). I thank her for that little gem of advice.....no reason for me to learn that one the hard way.

3. When in doubt.....mumble. (Dad) Just stay tuned for more installments of "Pearls From Daddy"

4. Even big, scary, drug-sniffing police dogs like chap stick. (Brandy) Much to her husband's chagrin, my dear friend has taken it upon herself to make sure that the dog's lips stay well moisturized, smooth and kissable. I think he is getting addicted, though. He apparently has figured out how important it is to stay smoochable at all times. She can't put on her own chapstick without him wanting some, too. I think he might be gay, but don't tell her husband.

5. If you are going to drive drunk in this town, make sure your license plate lights are illuminated. (Andy) As one of this town's lovable State Troopers (stop laughing, he is too lovable, even if he is a pig), he told me that he usually finds that people who have no idea that their license plate lights are not illuminated are the ones who have a tendency to drive while slightly intoxicated. Is there some random person lurking in bar parking lots, methodically smashing everyone's lights just for the hell of it? Are auto manufacturers and the cops in some conspiracy theory together, installing some sort of sensor that causes your lights to fail if you attempt to drive your vehicle while juiced? Who knows.....all I know is that if the bad boys are not lighting up that plate, you might as well just have someone drop you off at the jail, cause you're gonna get pulled over. Don't believe me? I got pulled over for not having my plate illuminated; thankfully I was DD that night, too. (Yes, Lindsey, I stay sober from time to time) And for more proof, here's Andy's birthday cake from last year......

6. Don't leave your crayons in the sun. (Jim) This little gem was left as a 'tip' for a really bad waitress. It is good advice, though....she should be thankful for it. I'll never do it again.

7. If you are out at a bar with friends and one of them wants to know what it means when they can't feel their top lip anymore (Angie) it means that it's time for them to stop drinking.

8. If the person who can't feel their lips anymore is supposed to be your designated driver, you are screwed. Call a cab or find someone less drunk than the person who was supposed to stay sober (Angie) drive you home.

9. If you have a child with a gag reflex that is as sensitive as motion sensors from Mission: Impossible and who doesn't like things that smell bad, do not, I repeat, DO NOT fart in a car during winter with all the windows rolled up. My brother learned this one the hard way after letting one rip on the way back from breakfast with my child. My son, after smelling the stench matched only by that of a rotting corpse, proceeded to puke all over the back of the car, including the whole back of the driver's seat. I just laughed. After all, it wasn't my fault and I didn't have to clean it up.

10. Remember when you child is ill, DO NOT GIVE THEM A RED POPSICLE! This can cause a small amount of concern when the child gets sick and starts screaming "Blood, mom! Blood!" Your heart falls to the floor and then you run like a mad-woman to the place of trauma, thinking the worst of the worst the entire 5 seconds it takes to get there. As soon as you arrive on the scene, you start hyperventilating, thinking your child is losing her innards...then you look...then you start shaking because the drama is over and you realize that you as a parent are a moron, because you handed her the red popsicle, knowing in the deepest part of your mind that something along this sort could happen. (Lo)

Ok, I hope everyone has read these and learned something. Whether or not you'll ever use this advice (I'm leaning toward not) is up to you. Now go and check your lights.