Happy Second Tuesday of February

Yes, it's Valentine's Day again. Time for candy, flowers and cards. Time for romantic dinners that may or may not go over well. Time for a quiet evening with a loved one. Time for anything that would make that person you are with fall in love with you all over again.

Or, if you are single, it is a time for wearing anything BUT red. Time to looking longingly at the flowers that your friend's husband sent her. Time to listen to your coworkers talk about the dinner reservations that they have, all the while, wishing deafness upon yourself. Time to figure out what in the hell you are going to do with yourself on what is supposed to be the most romantic night of the year. Yeah, if you are single, Valentine's Day SUCKS. It really is just a stupid, stupid day that reminds you how bad it can suck at times to be single. Sure, there are 364 more days in the year that are there to remind you of all the upsides of being single, but being single on V-Day really bites the big one.

Let me tell you about dinner I had on Monday. The whole family (13 of us) all went to Chili's for my mother's birthday. Chili's to us is exciting....I know, we suck here in Fairbanks....we've only had Chili's for about 3 months. Actually, since November, we've been rockin'.....we've gotten Sportsman's Warehouse, Old Navy, Famous Footwear and are expecting Barnes and Noble soon. Ok, back to dinner......so we're sitting there and my mom says to me "You're coming out to dinner tomorrow, right?"

I wasn't really sure why she was expecting me for dinner, I don't usually go to her house on a Tuesday for dinner, but she apparently had made some sort of important plans for me. So I asked her, "Well, what's the occasion?"

And you've got to love my mother, she is more blunt than I am a lot of the time. She looks at me and says "Well, it's Valentine's Day, you don't have any plans, do you?"

Nope.

Sure don't.

Notta one.

Thanks, mom.

So, I let my mom make me a fabulous dinner of steak, shrimp, lobster, asparagus and seasoned fries. YUMMY!!!!!

So, yet another Valentine's Day has passed. I did score a few little chocolates at work, so the day wasn't a total loss. It was, all in all, a pretty typical day. So, I bid you farewell this evening and hope you had a Happy Second Tuesday of February!

Someone Please Remind Me Why It Is I Freaking Live Here!!!!

Yes, I know that Alaska is the Last Frontier and one of the most beautiful places, blah, blah, blah......and it is......most of the time. HOWEVER, there are times (usually in the horrible month of January) when most of us Alaskans wonder "Why in the hell am I living here?!?!?!"

Just so you can see WHY we might be pondering this question, here's a picture of the temperature at the Fred Meyer store:






Yes. I know. Yes, it does say -55*. Yes, that is 55 degrees BELOW zero........now you understand. And the reason that it looks all fuzzy and cloudy around the sign? Ice fog. This is my Public Service Announcement to all of you dear people in Blogland....don't come to Alaska in January. You are welcome.

Did Ya Miss Me?

Sorry y'all. For those of who've been checking back over and over and over again to see if I've written something else (Lindsey and Kelly, especially).....I've been uh.......busy. Life has been happening. Anyway, since I'm still a little busy, I thought I'd just leave you with this thought of the day:

Thought for the Day

Some people are like Slinkies...
Not really good for anything,
but they still bring a smile to your face
when you push them down a flight of stairs

Damn Cat Better Change Her Letter To Santa....

So, I come home from work yesterday with one of the worst headaches I've ever had, and I only have an hour to lie down and take a nap to try to get rid of it before I have to leave to go to the hockey game. I enter my house, open the door and find the carnage that once was my Christmas tree....

Damn Cat. Now, I realize that it looks like it's really not that decorated, I promise, it was. You're just looking at the back side of it, the side that I didn't count on anyone seeing. Damn Cat. The lights have been pulled off and tangled, the star on top that lit up all pretty is now in about 4 pieces, and 5 really cute little glass bulbs came to their early demise. I think a couple of Disney characters also bit the dust. Damn Cat.

I know it was her. Damn Cat. As I righted my downed, sorry tree, I realized that I just needed to start all over with decorating...oh, yeah....after I put all the damn branches back in their damn little holes. Damn Cat. I then had to remove tufts of white cat hair from all parts of the tree, she apparently felt the need to crawl all over it. Damn Cat.

I hope she asked Santa for a couple extra lives, I think she's going to need them. Damn Cat.

Men.....Never Satisfied......

Apparently there are people in this world who are unable to go to a bar, get some random person drunk, drive them to a seedy motel and have mad, sweaty "what was your name, again?" sex. Either that, or they are unable to find that one quality that they are looking for as they peruse dive bars everywhere. What is it they are looking for? Well, as it turns out, Kenneth Pinyan was looking for but was unable to find someone who was literally hung like a horse. Unable to find his treasure at the local tavern, he turned to an unfailable source.......the barn itself.

Man Pleads Guilty in Horse-Sex Case

SEATTLE - A man has pleaded guilty to trespassing in connection with a fatal horse-sex case.
James Michael Tait, 54, of Enumclaw, was accused of entering a barn without the owner's permission. Tait admitted to officers that he entered a neighboring barn last July with friend Kenneth Pinyan to have sex with a horse, charging papers said. Tait was videotaping the episode when Pinyan suffered internal injuries that led to his death.
Tait pleaded guilty Tuesday and was given a one-year suspended sentence, a $300 fine, and ordered to perform eight hours of community service and have no contact with the neighbors.
The prosecutor's office said no animal cruelty charges were filed because there was no evidence of injury to the horses.

Ewwwwww.............
Ok, really? The man lives in Seattle and he couldn't find another gay man to be with him, he had to turn to farm animals? Sounds like somebody didn't exhaust all of their resources....

Gotta Start Listening to More Backstreet Boys

Yes.....I discovered tonight that I really need to start listening to more Backstreet Boys or Nickleback or Eminem or Kid Rock or really anyone singing music who has a penis. Apparently, I've been playing female-made music a wee bit too much in front of my child. I love all kinds of music. I take pride in the fact that I am passing my deep appreciate of a wide variety of music on to him. I do not take pride in the fact that tonight, at a hockey game and in front of anyone within earshot, he was singing the lyrics to "Don't cha" and "My Humps" ........ PERFECTLY.

For those of you who do not know these songs, let me provide you with a small smidgen of what my almost 6 year old BOY was singing in his voice, which is extremely similar to that of an adult woman.

In "Don't cha", the Pussycat Dolls are singing to some hottie about how
"Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me...
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?"

Enough said on this one.

In the next little ditty, "My Humps," Fergie is singing about her 'lady humps' = 'tits and ass' for those of you who don't speak hip-hop.
"My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My lovely lady lumps.....check it out."

As much as I love that my spawn is a music lover and a good singer, I wouldn't exactly call tonight a shining, "Damn, listen to my kid" kind of a moment....now where did I put that Eminem cd?

Things I've Learned From My Friends ~ Part 1

You know, I have some pretty damn smart friends. Or kinda average intelligent friends who often pass along important information....you pick. I decided to start keeping track of all the smart things my friends tell me. I feel the need to write them down so as not to forget them, as my memory can really suck sometimes. So here goes......I think I'll just start with 10 and maybe do editions of this if I can remember enough to write down......

1. Drink vodka if you don't want to have a hangover. (Caitlin & Shak) This was told to me by both of them after they had jointly consumed enough alcohol to drown a pet store full of rats. I realize that in a previous entry I talked about Caitlin having hangovers occasionally, but you have to remember that's after drinking vodka, rum, Jaeger, wine, beer, more vodka......you get the idea. Drink as much vodka as you want, people ~ and feel safe doing it.

2. In order to get up on time in the morning, it is important to both set and turn on your alarm. (Brandy) She informed me of this yesterday morning, after waking on her own (good) but realizing she only had 3 minutes to get ready (bad) and 2 minutes to make the 15 minute drive to work (very bad). I thank her for that little gem of advice.....no reason for me to learn that one the hard way.

3. When in doubt.....mumble. (Dad) Just stay tuned for more installments of "Pearls From Daddy"

4. Even big, scary, drug-sniffing police dogs like chap stick. (Brandy) Much to her husband's chagrin, my dear friend has taken it upon herself to make sure that the dog's lips stay well moisturized, smooth and kissable. I think he is getting addicted, though. He apparently has figured out how important it is to stay smoochable at all times. She can't put on her own chapstick without him wanting some, too. I think he might be gay, but don't tell her husband.

5. If you are going to drive drunk in this town, make sure your license plate lights are illuminated. (Andy) As one of this town's lovable State Troopers (stop laughing, he is too lovable, even if he is a pig), he told me that he usually finds that people who have no idea that their license plate lights are not illuminated are the ones who have a tendency to drive while slightly intoxicated. Is there some random person lurking in bar parking lots, methodically smashing everyone's lights just for the hell of it? Are auto manufacturers and the cops in some conspiracy theory together, installing some sort of sensor that causes your lights to fail if you attempt to drive your vehicle while juiced? Who knows.....all I know is that if the bad boys are not lighting up that plate, you might as well just have someone drop you off at the jail, cause you're gonna get pulled over. Don't believe me? I got pulled over for not having my plate illuminated; thankfully I was DD that night, too. (Yes, Lindsey, I stay sober from time to time) And for more proof, here's Andy's birthday cake from last year......

6. Don't leave your crayons in the sun. (Jim) This little gem was left as a 'tip' for a really bad waitress. It is good advice, though....she should be thankful for it. I'll never do it again.

7. If you are out at a bar with friends and one of them wants to know what it means when they can't feel their top lip anymore (Angie) it means that it's time for them to stop drinking.

8. If the person who can't feel their lips anymore is supposed to be your designated driver, you are screwed. Call a cab or find someone less drunk than the person who was supposed to stay sober (Angie) drive you home.

9. If you have a child with a gag reflex that is as sensitive as motion sensors from Mission: Impossible and who doesn't like things that smell bad, do not, I repeat, DO NOT fart in a car during winter with all the windows rolled up. My brother learned this one the hard way after letting one rip on the way back from breakfast with my child. My son, after smelling the stench matched only by that of a rotting corpse, proceeded to puke all over the back of the car, including the whole back of the driver's seat. I just laughed. After all, it wasn't my fault and I didn't have to clean it up.

10. Remember when you child is ill, DO NOT GIVE THEM A RED POPSICLE! This can cause a small amount of concern when the child gets sick and starts screaming "Blood, mom! Blood!" Your heart falls to the floor and then you run like a mad-woman to the place of trauma, thinking the worst of the worst the entire 5 seconds it takes to get there. As soon as you arrive on the scene, you start hyperventilating, thinking your child is losing her innards...then you look...then you start shaking because the drama is over and you realize that you as a parent are a moron, because you handed her the red popsicle, knowing in the deepest part of your mind that something along this sort could happen. (Lo)

Ok, I hope everyone has read these and learned something. Whether or not you'll ever use this advice (I'm leaning toward not) is up to you. Now go and check your lights.